Monday, November 29, 2010

The Mood Scale For Dummies

I've realized something today. I was in a really good mood (cause I've got two days off in a row), and I was trying to come up with a list of things that are pretty. Cause that's what I do on my days off, okay? Anyway. I kept thinking of things.

Diamonds=pretty. Fire=pretty. Snow=pretty. Christmas lights=pretty.

But then, I couldn't think of anything that wasn't pretty, so I started trying to think of things that are ugly. But it didn't work.

Coffee=pretty. Mud=pretty. Rain=pretty. Sand=pretty.

And that's when I realized something. When I'm in a good mood (and I mean a really good mood, like I am right now), any and everything will be pretty. All is well in the world, forever. Nothing can go wrong. It's like I'm high on happiness. And the Happiness mix on my ipod just makes me fly higher, and get happier, and feel like I'm on top of the WORLD!! :D

Then again, on the flip side, when I'm having a bad day, it takes a lot to get me to snap out of it. I was having a bad day the other day, and so I listened to my Happiness mix, hoping it would make me feel better. It didn't work. As a matter of fact, it made it worse. I was like, "I don't want to listen to this stupid, happy CRAP!!" Pretty much when I'm in a bad mood, I just need to be alone and gradually remember that life is better when I'm happy.

Enclosed is a scale to help you (and me) gauge the extent of my mood, good or bad, and act accordingly. I will begin at -5, my worst possible mood, and we will travel through the mood forest until we arrive at 5, which is the very best mood I could ever possibly be in, ever in the world. Hold on to your socks, it might get ugly.

-5: This is the WORST day of my ENTIRE life, I HATE everything, I don't want to talk to ANYBODY or think about anything except about how ANGRY I am!! (During this phase, do not come closer than 8 feet, do not try to talk me out of my bad mood or make me feel better, and DO NOT let me near pointy things or matches. Someday I'll come back to reality).

-4: This is a REALLY awful day, I'm either very sad or very angry or both, and all I want to do is drive very fast on deserted roads while venting aloud to myself. (During this phase, just ignore me completely and DO NOT try to prevent me from driving away in my car).

-3: I am very frustrated about something or someone specific, causing the other things in my life to seem worse than they really are. (During this phase, invite me to come watch Psych with you, which will immediately bump my mood to a level 3).

-2: I'm sort of annoyed at nothing in particular, moping around and trying to boost up my mood with things like coffee, new shiny things, or making plans with people I haven't seen in a while. (During this phase, just give me a hug and a cup of coffee and, if possible, make a joke).

-1: Life is meh, slightly worse than normal, but usually I don't even realize anything is wrong. (During this phase, smiling at me or saying "hi" will be enough to boost my mood back to normal).

0: I am apathetic and indifferent to everything going on around me, my mood is about to teeter one way or the other. (During this phase, do anything positive or put on a good song that I like, pretty much anything will be enough to teeter my mood into the "safe" zone).

1: Life is pretty okay, pretty much normal, or slightly above normal, for no particular reason. (During this phase, do not say anything upsetting like, "Psych has been cancelled" or "Tomorrow it's going to be 65 degrees", lest you unknowingly cause my decent into a bad mood).

2: Life is good, not amazing, but better than average, things are going my way, and all the street lights seem to be green. (During this phase, propose any fun activity and I will most likely accept without hesitation).

3: Life is wonderful, all is well, the birds are singing, the music is happy, and more than likely I'm buying things. (During this phase, I might be getting slightly annoying with how happy I am, but don't try to bring me down, because you will only succeed in doing the opposite).

4: Life is SO great, nothing can go wrong, everything going on in the world is only serving in making my day EVEN better! (During this phase, just ignore me, and I'll float back down eventually).

5: There is NOTHING in the WORLD better than life as I know it, life cannot POSSIBLY get any better, I feel like Snow White dancing and singing with woodland creatures, there are rainbows and sunshine and happiness raining from the sky!! :D (During this phase, don't go near me, don't try to talk sense to me, don't tell me I need a drug test, and don't let me near pointy things or matches. Someday I'll come back to reality).

So there you have it. Now you know beyond a shadow of a doubt what to do (and NOT do!) no matter what is going on in my life. The only trick is knowing what level I'm at on the scale. Sorry. I can't help you there. You'll just have to wing it, I guess. :)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

My Idea Of Nightlife

It's been a long time since I had a really sleepless night. I forgot how boring it was. Laying here, nothing to do but surf the web and listen to music and buy things I don't need. But I pretty much do those things during the daytime hours. Maybe that's why it's so boring? I guess I need to find a hobby, or an obsession. That sounds fun. But what could I obsess about?

See, that's the thing. I'm pretty easy going. I don't really obsess. Sometimes something get's on my nerves, and I get really upset about it, but then I get over it. I move past it. I'm like, "Eh, it's too much effort to be passionate about this, so screw it."

Hobbies, I can do. Reading, drinking coffee, going to movies, generally spending money faster than I make it. So much fun. Until later, when I'm like, "Wait. Now I have this thing that I don't really want--or need--and I miss all that money I gave away to get it."

It's now six in the morning. I think the last time I was up at this hour had to have been the last time I had a sleepless night. I hate mornings. Actually, no, that's not true. I like mornings. I hate to wake up. Period. Waking up is the most awful thing in the world. Actually, no, that's not true, either. Waking up is okay, it's that moment after you wake up when you're like, "Oh no, I have to get out of my warm comfy bed now, don't I?". THAT'S the worst thing in the world.

So yeah. Like I said, I like mornings, I just don't think they're important enough to get up for. But this morning is okay. It's just starting to get light out and the trees are semi-frosted over and my windows have little fog/frost stuff around the edges. It's pretty. I like it. But at the same time, I totally wish I would've slept through it.

Don't get me wrong, staying up all night was a total blast, but I know from experience that for the rest of the day I'm going to feel terrible and be like a zombie. I'm going to feel tired and cranky and generally miserable all day long. On my day off, too, dangit.

Although, I sort of saw this coming. It's sort of a long story. See, I'm just coming off a cold, and I've been taking Nyquil at night for about a week now. I seem to remember this happening the last time I had a cold and took Nyquil, too. Maybe my body needs to detox or something?? That's me, your friendly everyday Nyquil addict! Just kidding. Seriously. I'm not addicted to anything except being awesome. Anyway, I figured today (my day off) would be a good day for me to feel tired and cranky and generally miserable, so it didn't interfere with work. That's me, dedicated to the core. :P

Strange. Usually after waking from a normal sleep I feel so wonderful, almost like the bed and I are one. Well right now, I'm sorry, but the bed is being very uncomfortable and I feel like getting out of it ASAP but I'm too tired to do anything about it. My neck has cramps, my back is sore, the pillows are fighting me and jabbing me all over the place...why can't I feel wonderful like after I actually sleep? Stupid bed...behave!

I have no idea if I'm actually going to post this blog. I really shouldn't. It's long and boring and pretty much useless and stupid. Actually, that sums up most of my blogs, so maybe I just might post it after all. Good thing I don't hold my blog to an incredibly high standard.

Please don't judge me by this blog, either. I am obviously off my game and unable to make coherent thoughts, let alone transfer those mangled, half-formed thoughts to anything worthwhile in a blog. But really, what else was I supposed to do all night? And no, this isn't the only thing I've done. That would make me a very slow typer. I've read things, drank things (not Nyquil), listened to things, watched things, bought things (Actually, I don't really remember buying anything. I remember thinking about buying things, and it would be weird if I didn't, cause that's usually what I do when I'm bored, but I don't recall actually pushing the "Buy it now!" button, so maybe there's still hope).

So hopefully, after tonight, my body has successfully detoxed itself (lol, I just like saying that) and come tomorrow night I will be back to my normal self. Hopefully I'll actually be able to enjoy a little of my saturday and not spend the whole thing sleeping. Here's hoping. *clink*

I am going to post it. Who cares. I spent a lot of energy on this blog. Oh, it might not seem like it to you, but forming words to make sentences after not sleeping for 23 hours (it took me like five minutes to figure that out, by the way) is actually a lot of work, and I'm pretty darn proud of myself!! And I'm going to stop now before my spelling gets any worse. (FYI, this is what happened just now when I tried to spell worse: "Woorse...wordsts...wrietn...srorse...worse.") Yay me! I'm awesome.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Soup

I'm sure you've probably made soup before. Start with some basic ingredients (hamburger, vegetables, noodles, whatever) and then start adding small amounts of stuff, like spices or bullion or chopped things. Then you taste it. Then you add some more of the spices, or pull out some of the chopped things, once you remember that you don't like celery. You know. A soup.

This blog is going to be a soup. Some topics of substance, then some smaller, less important stuff, then some more small stuff, then whatever happens to be on my mind at the moment. Which could really be anything in the whole entire world. Who knows.

First, let's get some substance in our pot!

So, today I was shopping. So simple. So innocent. No. You're wrong. There's nothing innocent about it. It gets very hostile. Imagine a huge land with thousands of lions, and all the lions are she-lions with five cubs each, and there is only one antelope running for dear life, and all the she-lions are fighting each other to get to the antelope, to save themselves and their cubs. Well, guess what. Welcome to shopping. And if you want to factor sales and mark-downs into the equation, it's the same scenario, just imagine that the antelope is missing a leg.

Any woman will tell you that there are a very strict set of rules to abide by when shopping. Actually, they probably won't. We don't really speak of it. It's a woman thing. So I'm probably going to be found tomorrow floating face-down in a lake somewhere, and all the men are going to be like, "What happened here?" and all the women are going to be like, "Don't know. Don't care."

Anyway, there are rules. I won't give you the entire list. I've given you guys enough lists lately. Plus, maybe now the women of the world will have mercy upon my soul. The rule I'm going to talk about right now is also the the one I broke about an hour ago. The rule is, if you're looking at something in a store, and somebody comes up beside you, it's woman-speak for "Get your butt out of the way, sistah, I wanna look at that!" And it's pretty much expected that you're going to get outta the way.

So there I was. Looking at scarves and mittens and hats for winter (YAY!). And this lady, like 70 years old is following me from rack to rack, enforcing this rule. I would go somewhere and start looking at stuff, and she'd come right after me and start looking at what I was looking at. So I'd growl inside and move to the next rack. Ten seconds later, here she comes, suddenly so interested in what I was looking at. I was getting very irritated.

Finally, I moved to a rack of scarves and began to sift through the rabble, hoping to find a diamond in the rough. What? Who is this coming over? You're right; it's the rude old woman who gets her kicks by pushing young girls around at department stores.

No no no no no. I had actually found a scarf that I liked, and the rack held more possible buys. The woman came closer. No. I'm not going anywhere. If you're gonna abuse your power, you're gonna lose it, lady. She edged closer. I didn't move, just kept sifting through the scarves. She actually started feeling the very scarf I was looking at!

I turn my head to look at her, as she is almost hip-to-hip with me now, and it's beginning to get very uncomfortable. He smiles a little fake smile and says, "hi,". I'm sure she thought that was the end of it and I would move out of her way so she could follow me to the next rack. She looked at me expectantly. I smiled back at her, then turned back to the rack. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her giving me that incredulous look that says, "I can't believe you aren't giving me whatever I want! I am old and wonderful and waaay better than you."

Eventually she flounced away to find some other young girl to terrorize. I stayed at the scarf rack until I was done, finding two scarves worthwhile, as well as two pairs of mittens. Yay for winter!

A seasoning in the pot:

This morning I signed up for classes at SCC. I'm excited for school! Actually, I'm not really excited for school, I'm excited to graduate from school. And I guess before you graduate, you have to start. So I'm starting, so I can graduate in two years, and make money.

Another seasoning:

I've made a miraculous discovery! You know those people in the mall, who wait out in the middle of the aisle with a bottle of some sort of hair product in their hands? They scan the crowd, looking for girls who have long-ish hair and look like they have money to blow. Then, before you know it, they're ambushing you while you're on your way to your favorite store, asking if you've ever had a bad day EVER BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE, and promising that if you buy whatever crap they're selling, you'll never have another bad day, your boyfriend will ask you to marry him, you will be the most popular person in the world, and you will receive your very own pony. GUARANTEED!

Now, these guys drive me crazy. I avoid them like I avoid Bubonic Plague. And trust me, I DO avoid Bubonic Plague! But sometimes, you need to do more than avoid them. Sometimes, they seem to know where you are. They see you trying to slink past them unseen. They smell your fear. And they move in for the kill.

Never fear, ladies, Johanna knows your pain, and has found a solution! If you're on your phone, they won't bother you. It's true. And how are they to know if you're actually having a real conversation or talking to yourself INTO your cell phone? Oh yeah, they DON'T! So. Whenever you go past the scary, over-aggressive conditioner-sellers, just put your phone to your ear. You don't even have to speak. Even better, pretend you're angry at whoever you're talking to, and you're just hoping some random person will come up and say something to you so you can bite their head off. Trust me. Then, they will avoid YOU like Bubonic Plague! :)

And some more seasoning:

I love this weather. Just saying. After my last post, winter moved in. Did you notice that? Just think: light, fluffy snowflakes tinkling down from the sky, roaring fireplaces, crackling and popping as you sip hot apple cider and cuddle in blankets.

Please, like winter. Please. If I'm the only one having fun, it's no fun at all. :(

Okay. I'm out of spices for my soup. It's pretty tasty, I think, for a blog. I'm pretty sure it's got angel hair noodles, chicken, some of that green stuff that makes soup taste good (not celery)...pretty much I'm thinking of that chicken soup stuff that Nikki made after Dad had foot surgery. That's what this blog would taste like, if it were an actual soup. And for those of you who didn't have that soup, it was awesome, and you missed out. Just think of this blog as the most wonderful soup ever. Yum!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Dear Winter, I Would Like To Be A Cannibal

Dear Wintertime,

I would just like to start out by saying, you are my favorite. You take away all that awful heat and cursed humidity that reigns unopposed for so many months of the year. You send it far, far away, running it out of town for a few wonderful, blessed (but oh-so-short) months. And for this, I love you.

*Ahem* However. It is nearing mid-November and I have yet to see much sign of you. Usually you've set up shop and made yourself comfortable by now, and I'm really beginning to wonder if you've forgotten about us, or if you're just still sleeping or what. I'm not angry or anything (well okay, that's a lie, I'm a little bit angry), I just really really miss you, that's all.

And so, because I acknowledge that you might be behind or still recovering from last winter (which would be understandable), I have enclosed a list of everything that I (and, I'd like to imagine, everybody else in the world) would like to see from you in the very very VERY near future.

1) We'd like to see some freakin' SNOW!!! Last winter, we had accumulative snowfall in mid October. That was wonderful, in case you didn't know. We all loved it (except for most everybody I talked to, but that's beside the point). So I'm sure I speak for everyone (or not) when I humbly ask, nay, DEMAND the most giant dump of snow that you've got.

2) I'd like it very much if it would get AT LEAST cold enough to make the leaves turn a color other than green, and then fall off their respective trees. That probably should have been number one...but I just REALLY want snow. Seriously.

3) I'd really like it if the temperature would get so cold that I could walk outside and spit and it would freeze into a blob of frozen spit before it hits the ground. You know. If I wanted.

4) I want the snow to get so high that there is no physical way for me to get to work. So much snow that people all over the city have to gather together in small tribes to survive the winter, hunting wild game (but of course, all the animals have died by now, so we abandon that idea really fast), making tunnels through the mile-high snowfall, building fires with sticks and hunting other tribes to eat them, since all the animals are dead and survival instincts say it's kill or be killed. In essence, we will turn into savages and cannibals.

5) I want you to stick around for a long time. So like, don't leave until June. Or August. Heck, you might as well just stay for a year or two, or 12, or 80. Just tell that stupid Summer that there's a new sheriff in town, and send it to the gallows.

6) I don't want to see another stupid robin for the rest of my life. They're STILL HERE! It's November! They should've packed up and moved out MONTHS ago! Get. Them. OUT!

7) I'm tired of defending you to everybody and their mom. Please show the world how wonderful you are. Some ideas include: Making it snow big, fluffy flakes, instead of the ice-needles that stab you in the eyeballs. Keeping away the ice, and just giving us the snow. Prolonging the weeks leading up to Christmas, so everybody can properly enjoy it and not feel rushed and stressed out. Not having periodic days when the weather is 60 degrees (if people don't remember it, they won't miss it as much). Making it snow a little bit every day, so we won't ever see the nasty dirty snow that accumulates on the side of the road. There are some ideas. Get on that.

I guess that's all for now. It's a good start anyway. I'll probably think of more later, but for now let's start with these.

Wintertime, you are wonderful. I know that. You know that. Sooner or later, all these crazy people will know that. Still. You need to come back to us. We miss you.

Fondly, your BFF,