Monday, September 29, 2008

Consider Yourself Now And Forevermore...Squished!

So for nearly the last week, I'd been terrorized by this phantom spider. I would see it everywhere. the same one, too, I swear. I could never catch it, I could never squish it. it was always just out of my line of fire. my line of anger. my line of assorted pointy objects. he was feisty, no doubt about it. probably some old veteran spider, past his prime, now going after the queen of spider-haters (and spider killers, I might add), just to prove to the spider world that he wasn't washed up.

On any given day, I'd see him about three times. once, he was sitting on my window screen. then again, later, on the sidewalk directly in my path. then in some random web. it was always the same spider. he'd let me get a good look at him, then when I made a move toward one of my spider-squishing tools, he'd disappear. a worthy adversary indeed. He wasn't exactly large, but he was no spring chicken, either. a bit larger than a quarter, he was brown with ugly black splotches and lots of googly eyes and long, spindly legs. yuck.

Now, it's been quite a period of time since The Great Spider Adventure of '05, so maybe I ought to refresh the memories of you people who forget easily or perhaps have never heard the story of how I came to be so terrified of spiders. in a nutshell, my old Ceresco bedroom attracted spiders like tornadoes to a trailer park. one night, while innocently reading a book, I happened to look up to see the biggest spider I'd ever seen in my life. big like, it's mother was a tarantula and it's father was a hippopotamus. anyway, as fortune would have it, Nikki happened along right then, and we fought and eventually killed the monster. that's the very very veeeery condensed version. I think the actual encounter took about thirty to forty-five minutes. if you want to read the entire story, you can hear it told from my perspective HERE, and again (if you wish) from Nikki's perspective HERE! although the general story is the same, it is told very different by the both of us, considering I was terrified out of my mind and Nikki was rather amused by the whole thing. But if you're going to read just one account, read Nikki's. it's much better told.

Anyways. about this phantom spider. it seemed like I was seeing the darn thing everywhere I went. and today, there it was again as I was leaving to go to the store. sitting smugly on the driver's side door handle of my car. such arrogance! I had had enough of the little beast. I began frantically digging around in my purse. impossible! how was it that I, with my intense disgust and, yes, fear, of spiders had no spider-killing tool at my disposal??? The Phantom Spider watched my antics in amusement, no doubt thinking that he had outsmarted me yet again; caught me unawares without means of attack or defense. but he was wrong. so wrong.

I smiled smugly at the squished remains on the sidewalk, and calmly put my flip-flop back on and got into the car. Mr. Phantom, consider yourself now and forevermore...SQUISHED!

"Anything You Can Do." --Ethel Merman. this song really just...makes me LAUGH! it's just basically two people arguing about who's more talented. reminds me of my brother Josh and I now that I think about it...

Monday, September 15, 2008

Please Move.

Bikers. not those old men who look like Santa Clause who are covered with tattoos and piercings and drive around on Harleys. No. I'm talking about those people in skin tight body suits and pointy helmets and insist that they're not bothering anyone, oblivious to the three blocks of seething traffic behind them. those are the bikers I mean.

Bikers drive me nuts. unless they're actually not in the way (which is rarely the case), they always seem content to hold up traffic to their heart's content. the other day, this biker was riding right in front of me on a one lane road. he was kinda off to the side, like he just expected me to go around him. "Yeah, dude. I'm really going to swerve into oncoming traffic to go around you. good thinking."

In my opinion, they invented bike paths for bikes and streets for cars. you don't see me driving around in my Buick on bike paths, whistling away, oblivious to all the seething bikers giving me dirty looks. what makes them think they can? some of us have places to be, and would like to go faster than 5 mph.

I know, I shouldn't get so uptight about it. but I can't help it! yes, I'm bitter. yes, I'm prejudiced. yes, sometimes I want to drive over them. to me, it's like a skinny little guy who blackmails a sumo wrestler. the sumo wrestler is even more mad about it, because he knows he could break the skinny guy like a twig (but he doesn't, see, cause he's getting blackmailed). oh blast. that made no sense. even to me. sorry, all. sounds like something off Matlock, though, doesn't it. Y'know, I always thought Matlock should marry Jessica Fletcher. then they could start like...a whole new series and Matlock could stop griping about being single! ALL IN FAVOR!!

Holy Cow! we've strayed from my original topic! let's bring it back, people. Bikers. What to do? we can't drive over them, much as we'd like to at times. No, my parents always taught me that driving over people is wrong. We can't make them stay off the roads. unfortunately they have as much right to be there as we do. So...I guess the only thing we can really do is just do what we've always done. suck it up and drive 5 mph until said biker decides he's good and ready to get out of your way.

So...I guess this blog was pretty pointless. :/

"Amarillo By Morning" --George Strait. though I am a fierce country music hater, I pretty much grew up with this song, and therefore decided I was within my rights to buy it. besides, it's got pretty words and it caters to my inner wanderer. :)

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Hurry Up, You!

So, I think I'm the most impatient person I know. if there was one thing about myself that I could change, in a heartbeat I'd make myself more patient. waiting unnecessarily for any period of time is enough to make me go crazy. from waiting in line at the grocery store, to waiting for the shower. "I hate to wait" (Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride). Sometimes I talk out loud when I get impatient, like...

To my computer taking its sweet time doing an update: "Think you could go any SLOWER?!"
To that stinkin' jalopy in front of me going ten under the limit: "Um, HELLO, the gas peddle isn't going to bite you!" *honkhonkhonkhonk*
To the dryer: "How long does it take to dry one pair of pants?! do you think I've got all day to sit around waiting for you to do your job?!?"
To my wisdom tooth right now: "Will you hurry up and come in already?! You're driving me CRAZY!!!"
To the coffee pot: "I'm running late! hurry up and brew already! I'm not made of time here!" GET IT?!? *slaps leg and laughs*


Nobody ever gets my jokes.

I am incredibly impatient. and this impatience, coupled with my hatred of early mornings, is precisely why I never could get into that whole Black Friday thing. I don't do lines. I don't do early mornings. I don't really care about "deals" either. if it's not something I really especially want/need, why should I buy it? because it's a good deal? what do I care? lemme sleep. and if it IS something I really need, I would have bought it already. standing in a line outside Sears in 10 degree weather for three hours at four in the morning is not my idea of a good time. I don't care what it is, or how good of a deal it is. these conditions are far too ridiculous for any item, at any price.

Anyways. we're off topic. see? I'm not even patient enough to stick with one topic. I have to run around on little bunny trails to keep myself happy. life is so hard.

Impatience is also the reason behind the books I read. Nikki makes fun of me sometimes for my choice of literature. or at least she used to. she probably still would if I told her what I read. it's not that I don't find Steven Hawking fascinating, but I need something to hold my interest. Now, Steven James is an author who can hold my interest. sorry if that makes you mad, Nikki. actually, you probably don't even know who Steven James is, so never mind. (Oh, and FYI, Dr. Suess' "The Sleep Book" really DOES put you to sleep! it's amazing!! I've never seen anything like it! I'll read like, two words and start yawning! I read half the book to Mary before I couldn't take it anymore and had to go to bed. anyways, sorry, that was Jo's random bit of the day.)

Strangely, there is one area where I seem to have infinate patience. unfortunately, it's nothing important or useful in any way. puzzles. I could sit in front of a 2000 piece puzzle all day and never get tired of it. I think it's because your thoughts NEVER have to stop when you're doing a puzzle. (i.e. "where's that one piece? this one looks like it goes here maybe. blue piece. need a blue piece! where's that wagon wheel?") on and on, my train of thought never has to stop. so pretty much I've decided that that's what I'm going to do all day when I'm an old lady. I'll be the Crazy Puzzle Lady at the end of the block that school children will gossip about, who chases troublemakers out of her garden and gives good candy at Halloween. yup. that's me.

"Fun, Fun, Fun" --The Beach Boys. If only I had a T-Bird...

Thursday, September 11, 2008


So, I just remembered the funniest thing, just now. I don't know why this sprang into my mind...I'm just weird like that I guess.

So this takes place about five or six years ago. the whole family was traveling somewhere, from somewhere else. I don't remember either place specifically. I'm assuming it was just one of many assorted family road trips. anyways, we stop at a gas station, and I go inside for a few minutes, and when I come out, Jim is holding Nikki piggy-back style, and everybody is laughing. I had obviously missed something. then Dad sees me and shouts, "Johanna, quick get on!!" and turns his back to me. I was like, "Uh," but he insists, and cries for me to "Hurry!" so, still feeling very uncertain about the whole thing, I clamor aboard my Dad's back and hang on for dear life. and then, to my surprise, he takes off running! it took only a moment for me to realize that Dad and I were in a race with Jim and Nikki. I can't remember who won, but I remember it was super fun. Nobody ever told me why we did that, or what exactly happened while I was inside the gas station, and I never asked. reasons would have ruined everything. :)

That's it. like I said, I really don't know why I thought of that. but I did, and it made me laugh, and I hope it made you laugh too! or at least smile. c'mon, life is good. :)

"Something Beautiful" --Newsboys. A song that takes me back.

Monday, September 1, 2008

The Final Countdown

I just realized something. this is the last September 1st that I have before I turn old. in March of '09, I'll be 20 years old. an old fogy by anyone's standards. I'm gonna be an old fogy!! *sob* where did all that time go? where did I spend my Glory Years? one minute I'm seven years old, learning how to ride a bike and the next minute I'm almost 20 years old. crazy. I feel like I just stepped out of a black hole or a time pod or something. I'm not ready to be 20!!

Anyways. since this is my last year of blissful youth, I've decided that it's gonna be a good one. a memorable one. one that I'll be able to look back to and sigh and say, "Ah, that was a good year." kinda like that "Summer of '69" song by that one guy who's name I do not know. this is going to be my "summer of '69", so to speak.

So. what shall I do with myself to make this year (or what's left of it) spectacular?? I need ideas, people. crazy ideas. within reason, of course, but not exclusively. what I mean is, I need crazy ideas of stuff to do this year, kinda, sorta, loosely related to being within reason. something more exciting than, "Paint all your toenails different colors" but not something like, "Fly to Switzerland and find extended relatives" either. think balance.

Skydiving would be good, but it probably costs like a billion dollars. white water rafting, yes, I definitely want to do that before I die, but I don't know where to find any extreme river rapids around here. lemme think. I've always wanted to stand in two states at once. you know. with one foot in one state and one foot in another. yeah, I'm gonna do that before the year is out. definitely. take a trip to Nebraska City some afternoon. I could probably be there and back before anyone even knew I was gone. :P I wonder if I need a passport to pass into Iowa...

Trying sushi is totally one. I've already done it this year, but it still counts as something interesting that I did in my 19th year of life. I also tried eel. and consequently, the eel was inside the sushi. :)

I'll be in a wedding this year, for the first time ever. that's something. something awesome. it'll rock. I'll be in the wedding of one of my very best friends, and while I'm 19 to boot. I can't wait!

But I need to think of more things. and YOU need to help me, cause I'm bad at coming up with creative ideas. it can be something as simple as trying a (specific) strange coffee flavor, or as crazy as learning to use a pistol (which I do totally want to do someday). either way, I'd love ideas. the more the better. I'm gonna do awesome stuff this year. the more awesome the year, the easier it'll be to transition myself into adulthood. :(

"Orphans Of God" --Avalon. Avalon is not my favorite group ever, but seriously, this song is amazing. listen to it, all of you. that's an order.