Saturday, November 6, 2010

Dear Winter, I Would Like To Be A Cannibal

Dear Wintertime,

I would just like to start out by saying, you are my favorite. You take away all that awful heat and cursed humidity that reigns unopposed for so many months of the year. You send it far, far away, running it out of town for a few wonderful, blessed (but oh-so-short) months. And for this, I love you.

*Ahem* However. It is nearing mid-November and I have yet to see much sign of you. Usually you've set up shop and made yourself comfortable by now, and I'm really beginning to wonder if you've forgotten about us, or if you're just still sleeping or what. I'm not angry or anything (well okay, that's a lie, I'm a little bit angry), I just really really miss you, that's all.

And so, because I acknowledge that you might be behind or still recovering from last winter (which would be understandable), I have enclosed a list of everything that I (and, I'd like to imagine, everybody else in the world) would like to see from you in the very very VERY near future.

1) We'd like to see some freakin' SNOW!!! Last winter, we had accumulative snowfall in mid October. That was wonderful, in case you didn't know. We all loved it (except for most everybody I talked to, but that's beside the point). So I'm sure I speak for everyone (or not) when I humbly ask, nay, DEMAND the most giant dump of snow that you've got.

2) I'd like it very much if it would get AT LEAST cold enough to make the leaves turn a color other than green, and then fall off their respective trees. That probably should have been number one...but I just REALLY want snow. Seriously.

3) I'd really like it if the temperature would get so cold that I could walk outside and spit and it would freeze into a blob of frozen spit before it hits the ground. You know. If I wanted.

4) I want the snow to get so high that there is no physical way for me to get to work. So much snow that people all over the city have to gather together in small tribes to survive the winter, hunting wild game (but of course, all the animals have died by now, so we abandon that idea really fast), making tunnels through the mile-high snowfall, building fires with sticks and hunting other tribes to eat them, since all the animals are dead and survival instincts say it's kill or be killed. In essence, we will turn into savages and cannibals.

5) I want you to stick around for a long time. So like, don't leave until June. Or August. Heck, you might as well just stay for a year or two, or 12, or 80. Just tell that stupid Summer that there's a new sheriff in town, and send it to the gallows.

6) I don't want to see another stupid robin for the rest of my life. They're STILL HERE! It's November! They should've packed up and moved out MONTHS ago! Get. Them. OUT!

7) I'm tired of defending you to everybody and their mom. Please show the world how wonderful you are. Some ideas include: Making it snow big, fluffy flakes, instead of the ice-needles that stab you in the eyeballs. Keeping away the ice, and just giving us the snow. Prolonging the weeks leading up to Christmas, so everybody can properly enjoy it and not feel rushed and stressed out. Not having periodic days when the weather is 60 degrees (if people don't remember it, they won't miss it as much). Making it snow a little bit every day, so we won't ever see the nasty dirty snow that accumulates on the side of the road. There are some ideas. Get on that.

I guess that's all for now. It's a good start anyway. I'll probably think of more later, but for now let's start with these.

Wintertime, you are wonderful. I know that. You know that. Sooner or later, all these crazy people will know that. Still. You need to come back to us. We miss you.

Fondly, your BFF,


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