Sunday, January 20, 2008

Late Night Woes

So, I'd better warn you now that this whole blog is going to be kind of rough and sketchy...these thoughts aren't completely formed yet, but I think they're formed enough to write them. oh, and sorry to anybody who came here this time to read that funny nonsense that I write so often because it's all I know how to write. sorry, all of you. this time I'm in a pensive, thoughtful mood which I am in quite often, but never write about, and it's due partly to the late hour and partly to a long internal struggle which has yet to be appeased in my mind. wow. this is already rough and sketchy. told you so.

So for a long time (I'm not sure exactly how long but for at least the past four months or so) I've been completely and totally lost as far as a future career is concerned. I don't know if any of you have ever played Four-Square before, but that's kinda how my life has been lately; bouncing from one square to another, one minute I want to be something with all my heart, the next minute I'm considering something else. it's incredibly have no idea.

I've been praying and reading my Bible like mad for a long time, but I just never hear anything back. one of the most frustrating things, I think, is that I say to God, "I'll do anything you want. anything at all. anything. just please tell me what to do." but He doesn't. I know I'm not supposed to, and I try not to, but sometimes I just can't help but wonder why He doesn't answer me. if I'm willing to do anything or go anywhere, I just want to know what to do, I don't get why He wouldn't tell me. and it's not just that I'm not getting an answer, it's also that I'm not getting any kind of response. that's the hardest thing of all. I pray and read and pray and read but I just always feel like a blind person wandering around all by myself.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. now, say we have two choices. we can do A or B. if God wants us to do one but not the other, does that mean if we pick the wrong one we'll mess up God's divine plan?? OR does God already know ahead of time what we're going to do and simply plans accordingly? I'm inclined to believe the latter. but if that is true, then why should I even bother worrying about it? by that logic, I should just pick one and it'll be the right one because nobody can mess up God's plan. I'm sure that theory is full of holes, but for the life of me I can't find them.

Anyway...that's where my thoughts are these days. sorry this was such a strange post. it's kind of depressing, now that I think about it. ah, well, I blame it on the hour of night and my brain, which doesn't turn off at night like everybody else's. anyway, if you made it all the way through these ramblings...thanks. and if anybody out there has answers to these questions I wouldn't mind hearing them...


Jessica said...

It was great to get a piece of your mind there. I can relate to what you are going through and I will see if I can muster any wise words.
So I seem like a pretty together person. I mean heck I am 17 and in college. Whenever someone ask me my major I shoot it off and everyone is sure I know where I am going, except for me. Every night I have these same thoughts and every night I pray for divine intervention. I mean you are always hearing about people who knew exactly what God wanted then to do with their lives and I just keep thinking "Oh yeah sure, rub it in." I read my bible and pray, but I am still unsure. Sometimes I think I should do something profound, like sell everything and become a missionary in some foreign country, but other times I think I should join the military. I have taken all the tests that are supposed to show you your gifts, and according to them I am on the right path, but I still can't seem to get over the nagging feeling that maybe this isn't it.
But than God did hit me with something, using my mom and other people to share it. God doesn't expect us to just sit on the sidelines and wait for a miracle. He wants us out walking the path. Imagine your life as a hike, you are walking a long a preset trail, you don't stop and wait for the trail to walk for you, you walk with it and turn when the path turns. You only have problems when you get of the path.
Well thats what God wants us to do with our lives. He wants us to just get up everyday and keep walking that path, he wants are heart to be open to follow the path where ever it takes us and not stop unless he says.
Jo, every one feels this way, and it will probably never go away and we will probably die not really ever know if we did exactly as we were supposed to. But the important thing is to not wait for life to start, just keep waking up and living. Go to college and get a degree in something you love. And listen to the voice of God when he tells you "Okay Jo, it is time for the path to veer right a little while" you will never know when or what he might ask you to do, but if you listen you will here his voice.
I will be praying for you sis, praying that you have some peace about your life. I hope anything i said helped, I do have a tendency to just ramble lol.
Sleep well!
I love you sis.

Curtis said...

I agree completely with Jess. The hardest thing in life, is waiting upon the Lord. Sure, going and picking # one won't mess up God's plans for you, but it could be that God was just about to bring the opportunity along Himself. Someone said the other night that God works retro-actively. He has everything planned out beforehand and He's working on answering your prayers even while you're praying them. Faith is all about trusting God's opportunities, God's leading and God's timing. Maybe you're trying too plan ahead too far if God's not answering you yet. Or maybe God is just about to open up an opportunity that will lead you to the future God has in store for you.

Here's a verse that Jess sent me the other week: Jeremiah 29.11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Try taking your mind off it for a little while. Focus on living by faith from the day to day. Pray bold things for a simple day and look for ways to go the extra mile for God with those around you.

I've been praying for you for a while now, that God will show you the place He wants you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

God bless, sis!

Johanna said...

Thanks, guys. I still don't really get it, but maybe God is trying to teach me area where I am (admittedly) insufficiently gifted. :)

I wasn't even really expecting anybody to understand much of that post...I kinda threw it together like a soup. "little bit o' this, little bit o' that..." but thanks for reading and then understanding and then commenting! means a lot. :)

Jessica said...

Jo we all understand these thoughts, believe me you are not the only one who struggles with patience lol.
We love you Jo and you are in our prayers!! Let me know if you could ever use help or someone to talk to!!
Thanks for expressing your thoughts!!
Your sister in Christ,

Tori said...

My little bit of wisdome Jo is that God is far more interested in who you are than what you are. If your desire is to become more Christ-like everyday and to glorify God...then you can't go wrong. And if you pick to be a nurse that doesn't mean you always have to be a nurse! God's peace will follow you as you keep pursuing Him! I love you and miss you!