So, I'd better warn you now that this whole blog is going to be kind of rough and sketchy...these thoughts aren't completely formed yet, but I think they're formed enough to write them. oh, and sorry to anybody who came here this time to read that funny nonsense that I write so often because it's all I know how to write. sorry, all of you. this time I'm in a pensive, thoughtful mood which I am in quite often, but never write about, and it's due partly to the late hour and partly to a long internal struggle which has yet to be appeased in my mind. wow. this is already rough and sketchy. told you so.
So for a long time (I'm not sure exactly how long but for at least the past four months or so) I've been completely and totally lost as far as a future career is concerned. I don't know if any of you have ever played Four-Square before, but that's kinda how my life has been lately; bouncing from one square to another, one minute I want to be something with all my heart, the next minute I'm considering something else. it's incredibly frustrating...you have no idea.
I've been praying and reading my Bible like mad for a long time, but I just never hear anything back. one of the most frustrating things, I think, is that I say to God, "I'll do anything you want. anything at all. anything. just please tell me what to do." but He doesn't. I know I'm not supposed to, and I try not to, but sometimes I just can't help but wonder why He doesn't answer me. if I'm willing to do anything or go anywhere, I just want to know what to do, I don't get why He wouldn't tell me. and it's not just that I'm not getting an answer, it's also that I'm not getting any kind of response. that's the hardest thing of all. I pray and read and pray and read but I just always feel like a blind person wandering around all by myself.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. now, say we have two choices. we can do A or B. if God wants us to do one but not the other, does that mean if we pick the wrong one we'll mess up God's divine plan?? OR does God already know ahead of time what we're going to do and simply plans accordingly? I'm inclined to believe the latter. but if that is true, then why should I even bother worrying about it? by that logic, I should just pick one and it'll be the right one because nobody can mess up God's plan. I'm sure that theory is full of holes, but for the life of me I can't find them.
Anyway...that's where my thoughts are these days. sorry this was such a strange post. it's kind of depressing, now that I think about it. ah, well, I blame it on the hour of night and my brain, which doesn't turn off at night like everybody else's. anyway, if you made it all the way through these ramblings...thanks. and if anybody out there has answers to these questions I wouldn't mind hearing them...