Monday, September 29, 2008

Consider Yourself Now And Forevermore...Squished!

So for nearly the last week, I'd been terrorized by this phantom spider. I would see it everywhere. the same one, too, I swear. I could never catch it, I could never squish it. it was always just out of my line of fire. my line of anger. my line of assorted pointy objects. he was feisty, no doubt about it. probably some old veteran spider, past his prime, now going after the queen of spider-haters (and spider killers, I might add), just to prove to the spider world that he wasn't washed up.

On any given day, I'd see him about three times. once, he was sitting on my window screen. then again, later, on the sidewalk directly in my path. then in some random web. it was always the same spider. he'd let me get a good look at him, then when I made a move toward one of my spider-squishing tools, he'd disappear. a worthy adversary indeed. He wasn't exactly large, but he was no spring chicken, either. a bit larger than a quarter, he was brown with ugly black splotches and lots of googly eyes and long, spindly legs. yuck.

Now, it's been quite a period of time since The Great Spider Adventure of '05, so maybe I ought to refresh the memories of you people who forget easily or perhaps have never heard the story of how I came to be so terrified of spiders. in a nutshell, my old Ceresco bedroom attracted spiders like tornadoes to a trailer park. one night, while innocently reading a book, I happened to look up to see the biggest spider I'd ever seen in my life. big like, it's mother was a tarantula and it's father was a hippopotamus. anyway, as fortune would have it, Nikki happened along right then, and we fought and eventually killed the monster. that's the very very veeeery condensed version. I think the actual encounter took about thirty to forty-five minutes. if you want to read the entire story, you can hear it told from my perspective HERE, and again (if you wish) from Nikki's perspective HERE! although the general story is the same, it is told very different by the both of us, considering I was terrified out of my mind and Nikki was rather amused by the whole thing. But if you're going to read just one account, read Nikki's. it's much better told.

Anyways. about this phantom spider. it seemed like I was seeing the darn thing everywhere I went. and today, there it was again as I was leaving to go to the store. sitting smugly on the driver's side door handle of my car. such arrogance! I had had enough of the little beast. I began frantically digging around in my purse. impossible! how was it that I, with my intense disgust and, yes, fear, of spiders had no spider-killing tool at my disposal??? The Phantom Spider watched my antics in amusement, no doubt thinking that he had outsmarted me yet again; caught me unawares without means of attack or defense. but he was wrong. so wrong.

I smiled smugly at the squished remains on the sidewalk, and calmly put my flip-flop back on and got into the car. Mr. Phantom, consider yourself now and forevermore...SQUISHED!

"Anything You Can Do." --Ethel Merman. this song really just...makes me LAUGH! it's just basically two people arguing about who's more talented. reminds me of my brother Josh and I now that I think about it...

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